It’s that time of year again! That’s right — Gabe’s Annual Birthday Blog. Each year, Gabe searches back on the important events and lessons he’s encountered during the previous 12 months. But what incidents can he talk about when COVID came and stole the support?
Join Gabe and Lisa as they discuss the Year of Coronavirus and the good and bad that came with it.
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About The Not Crazy podcast Hosts
Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and orator who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular volume, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Statements, available from Amazon; ratified duplicates are also available directly from Gabe Howard . To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.
Lisa is the producer of the Psych Central podcast, Not Crazy. She is the recipient of The National Alliance on Mental Illness’s “Above and Beyond” award, has worked extensively with the Ohio Peer Supporter Certification program, and is a workplace suicide prevention trainer. Lisa has battled hollow her entire life and has worked alongside Gabe in mental health advocacy for over a decade. She lives in Columbus, Ohio, with her husband; experiences international roam; and fiats 12 duets of shoes online, selects the right one, and transports the other 11 back.
Computer Generated Transcript for” Birthdays, COVID” Episode
Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer made and therefore may contain lapses and grammar flaws. Thank you.
Lisa: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast hosted by my ex-husband, who has bipolar disorder. Together, we created the mental health podcast for people who hate mental health podcasts.
Gabe: Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of the Not Crazy podcast, I’m your multitude, Gabe Howard, and with me, as always, in a scintillating good humor, Lisa Kiner.
Lisa: Today’s paraphrase is from Jeremy Mortis, Age is not just a number. Aging is a collection of suffers and life tasks that give you wisdom.
Gabe: I think this is really the erosion of points, because age is, in fact a number. The senility of something is how old-fashioned something is. It’s my auto is seven years old. No, your car has prudence. No, exactly,
Gabe: Seven years old.
Lisa: I think you’re making this a little bit very literally; it’s supposed to be encouraging because people get depressed about aging.
Gabe: Right, it’s another example of a convenient lie is better than an annoying truth. People get depressed about it. So rather than tell them that they’re closer to death, we’ll tell them that they’re careful. Right, because aged parties are hero-worship in our society. What was the last time
Lisa: Well, sort of.
Gabe: Some, like some woman was at the food market and she was literally taking up the entire alley and stopping for no reason. And beings used to be like, that’s some profundity right there. Look at that.
Lisa: Well, but to be fair, if you’re 20 and you do that, beings behave a great deal differently towards you than if you’re 80 and you do that.
Gabe: You have been doing this since you were 20. I remember when you said there was nothing worse than a middle-aged woman, and this gives me so much pride.
Lisa: What did I say?
Gabe: There is nothing worse than a middle-aged woman. They think they know everything. Their cult of motherhood, the faith of motherhood.
Lisa: That’s a different concept.
Gabe: The point that I’m making, Lisa, is you have never once looked at somebody older than you and thought that they were wiser.
Lisa: Well, one, I don’t think that’s true because obviously, if you’ve done something that I haven’t done, you have more information on the subject and.
Gabe: But that’s not based on their age, that’s based on their experience.
Lisa: No, but you’ve got to assume that people who are older than you have better odds.
Gabe: Actually, that’s what you’re going with? You might be smarter, so I’m going to respect you? That’s
Gabe: Abdication of fact
Lisa: Ok, you’re getting way off topic, and I feel like you might be deflecting, and the reason why we’re going here today is it is time for Gabe’s annual birthday gala. Happy birthday, Gabe.
Gabe: Ok, first off, it’s not a observance.
Lisa: What would you call it?
Gabe: I don’t know
Gabe: Sure. Let’s go with legend, look a little context before we get started. So, the whole way back in 2014, when I was a blogger, I wrote a blog announced I’m Bipolar and it’s my birthday. It was just
Lisa: He’s so good at names,
Gabe: Yeah, I’m great at entitles right.
Lisa: Just sucks you right in, I want to read that right now.
Gabe: But parties did and it was favourite. And a year later I wrote another one. And then I don’t know how these things used to work. It sort of became a tradition. So here we are. And I’m like, OK, well, I’m a podcaster now I want to do something encircling my birthday. Lisa said, you know, you have your own show and you can pick whatever topic you demand and boom, here we are. What the hell is hopefully be the first annual I’m bipolar and it’s my birthday podcast streaks. Which started all the way back in 2014 as blogs.
Lisa: That is a change because in every other blog and I reread all of them for preparation for today, you actually say things like, well, I’m never going to do this again. This isn’t going to happen exactly doing this. Yeah. So, wow, you’re actually committing to do another one of these next year?
Gabe: I don’t know, I think it’s one of these, you know, the
Lisa: You’re not what we call a planner for the future.
Gabe: I’m not I have beings for that.
Lisa: Yeah, I understand.
Gabe: You’re my people for that.
Lisa: Ok, so to sum up, the point is that your birthday habit is to put something out into the world. Happy birthday.
Gabe: Yeah, by the way, happy birthday, the.
Lisa: Well, the reason why it’s extra strange, right, is our birthdays are just a few periods apart. Does anyone wishing me happy birthday?
Gabe: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday, unsung hero Lisa, happy birthday to you. It’s very meaningful because, you know, you built me do it.
Lisa: I feel like I’m going to have to revise that down, so you really should have said it faster.
Gabe: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.
Lisa: Oh, God.
Gabe: Happy birthday, dear unsung protagonist, Lisa, happy birthday to you. Get to the meat of it. Your doctrine, Lisa, to get this whole thing fulfilled was that you were going to interview me
Gabe: About the last year. So I’m glad that you picked 2020. I want to summarize.
Gabe: I feel that a summary is needed, I turned 43 back in 2019. Christmas was reasonable. You know, January was pretty good. I don’t have any complaints about February, March on sucked. There we are.
Lisa: And that sums up the year. Yay.
Gabe: Thank you for adjusting in to this week’s Not Crazy podcast, if you enjoyed it.
Lisa: I’m reading all your blogs, and when you read them back to back, it’s a little bit creepy.
Gabe: It’s depressing, is what it is.
Lisa: Yes, it is, yes, it is, but that’s your omission. The first one is quite positive. Oh, looking forward to another year of stability with bipolar affective disorder. Downhill after that. What varied? Why is the first one positive and then after that, you’re just nothing but downfall and sorrow on every birthday?
Gabe: Obviously, I wrote these all a year apart, but when Mental Illness Is an Asshole and Other Findings went produced, the publisher decided to leant each one of the articles next to each other. So rather than reading them a year apart, or if you reading them online, learn one and then having 51 other blogs, they’re literally back to back to back.
Lisa: It’s interesting to read them back to back, it’s a different experience.
Gabe: And when “youre reading” them back to back, “youve been” do attend the
Lisa: The themes.
Gabe: The topics come out. I remember in one of them I said I hate my birthday. And then when I turned 40, I wrote, you are well aware, I’ve never disliked my birthday until this year. That clearly contradicts. What the hell? Am I a flip-flop flopper? Am I a hypocrite?
Lisa: No, you’re recollect the past through rose colored glasses, strangely, because every single one you say things about, well, this year was worse than last year. Last-place year was so good. Everything before now was good. Things exclusively turned to shit this year. But you say that every year.
Lisa: You simply apparently find joy after the fact or you’re looking back with an entirely different perspective than you had at the time. It’s a little bit weird and kind of disturbing and rueful. Mostly sad.
Gabe: If you haven’t checked out Mental Illness Is an Asshole and Other Findings, you can, of course, get it on Amazon. You can also go over to gabehoward.com and give it. But it’s very interesting. I, it was unpleasant not to update this. It was pain to look at what is basically simply flagrant hypocrisy on the page come through. But I agree with Lisa. I think it’s an interesting look into the, into my head, a psyche that is somewhat endangered. Even though I’m in recuperation and I have treatment, I still am who I am and I still have bipolar illness and distres. And that, of course, comes with all the manifestations, you know, mania, dimple, etc. And to read these things back to back certainly showed me that there’s so much work to do. I think that was one of the silver lining that came out of the book, because as you remember, Lisa, I wasn’t very sold on the book. I don’t know. I just.
Lisa: You lost warmth for the project. Publishing something just takes much, much more significant than you think that it’s going to. And you lost your enthusiasm before you were done.
Gabe: I precisely thought it was arrogant to sell a volume of trash that I wrote because why who would want this? I only I fantasized, why would people pay for this? This doesn’t make any sense. I’m really glad that the publisher insured price in it. I necessitate, it used to work huge. I
Lisa: You should all go by it right now.
Gabe: Thank you, Lisa.
Lisa: You’re welcome. The very first blog was positive, but after that they went downhill. And in some of them, you do sum up your accomplishments from the previous year. So let’s do that because we’re going to start joyou now. So what are your accomplishments from the previous year, Gabe? Share with our listeners.
Gabe: Not many, I convey, COVID actually just various kinds of wrecked everything, I belief a big accomplishment that I have that I think that everybody listening should give themselves ascribe for is a global pandemic did not stop me. It didn’t stop Lisa, it didn’t stop your best friend, my spouse. It didn’t stop anybody listening to this podcast. And as much as I want to say, well, it did stop me, it thwarted me from doing the following things that I wanted to do. Yeah, it impeded a lot of people from doing a lot of things that they wanted to do, but it didn’t stop us. Forward. force was performed. It is true. I didn’t get a lot of things that I missed. And frankly, I didn’t get many things that that I needed. But I got enough. Right?
Gabe: I got enough.
Gabe: I pushed forward fairly. I do want to pat myself and all of my listeners and all of our love and all of my best friend and family. And you, Lisa, I want to give you credit, because we are still standing. I’m still standing in spite of a worldwide pandemic.
Lisa: It’s been a difficult few month.
Gabe: It’s been a disagreeable few month.
Lisa: Well, it’s more than a few months now I.
Gabe: Remember when we thought it was going to be like two to four weeks?
Lisa: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back in June, I read this article that said, hey, this is going to be like September 11 th, where even after the immediate aftermath is over, there are lasting repercussions that will continue in American society forever. And I reflected, oh, my God, that is so profound. Yeah, well, now we are. Now it’s November.
Gabe: This pandemic has really been what it’s like to be diagnosed with a mental illness. This is the example that I miss everybody to use with their friends and family that don’t understand because this really bad thing happened, right? We were all sitting around in the middle of March and somebody said, listen, there’s a global pandemic, which is very analogous to listen, you have major sadnes, bipolar disorder, anxiety disease, schizophrenia, psychosis. Right. Like that’s a world-wide pandemic is really bad news. Can we all agree on that?
Lisa: OK, so the resemblance so far is they’re both bad news. That’s where we’re beginning our resemblance, Gabe.
Gabe: Thank you for recurring exactly what I said, but announcing it a summary, yes, that is what happened.
Lisa: That’s what a epitome is.
Gabe: But it’s not. You use my accurate terms. Yes, everybody got bad news. But much like going a severe and persistent mental health diagnosis, we all imagined, OK, we’re going to buckle down, do what’s needed. This is going to be over before we know it.
Gabe: Right. That’s.
Lisa: I did not have faith in this analogy, but I participate where you’re going. OK, never mind. I take back my previous skepticism.
Gabe: Yeah. Yeah, the whole world was like, I understand what a world-wide pandemic is, yeah , no, you don’t. Exactly like I understand what bipolar disorder is. Yeah , no, you don’t.
Lisa: Yeah, good analogy.
Gabe: And we all buckled down and started doing the right things. Right. We’re like, OK, well, we’ll exactly do this for a couple of months and it’ll be fine. But then the medication modified. I’m from Ohio, full disclosure. And the first medication was, hey, social distancing. And then the next therapy was we’re going to close down diners. And then the next therapy was, hey, we’re going to close down salons and fitness centers. And then the next therapy is we’re going to close down all the plazas. And it’s just like I don’t.
Lisa: We had a complete shutdown here in Ohio.
Gabe: Yeah, and.
Lisa: It previous for about six weeks.
Gabe: Right, but it didn’t happen immediately, right? Once again, I went diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and I got a treatment and I’m like, that’s it, that’s going to solve this problem. And then I simply obstructed getting worse and worse and worse and making longer and longer and longer. Precisely like the global pandemic, “weve all” diagnosed with a world-wide pandemic and we all thought that we knew what it was, even though we didn’t. And then we got the first management. We’re like, great, it’s going to be over in four to six weeks, which it wasn’t. And then we got another treatment. We’re like , no problem. It’ll be over in four to six weeks after that. But then it wasn’t over. And then we got another treatment. And then all the people around us, they started giving us their sentiments on the world-wide pandemic, even though they weren’t qualified to do so. You know, when you get a mental illness, suddenly everybody around you becomes a psychologist, a healer, a psychiatrist. Exactly like unexpectedly in the world pandemic, everybody became an infectious disease professional. All these people just sounded out of the woodwork to tell you what you were do wrong, governing the world-wide pandemic.
Gabe: Where? Are you qualified for this? No. Just like with mental illness. Hey, what do you do for a living? I delve dykes. Oh, OK. But let me tell you how to manage your severe and persistent mental illness with all of the confidence as somebody who went to medical school. You want to know what I have learned this year? I have learned that people will way overstep their binds with course too much confidence. And if somebody tells you that something is going to be over in four to six weeks, they are lying. From now until the end of go. If I ask individual a few questions and they’re like four to six weeks, bullshit. I’m just going to scream bullshit and run out of the area. Yeah, because four to six weeks conveys a year and it’s still not over and we still can’t concur. And stigma is everywhere. Stigma surrounding world pandemics is everywhere. If “youre wearing” the mask, you’re a chump. If you don’t wear the mask, you’re a chump. If you do wear the cover-up, you substantiate, I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.
Gabe: See? See the analogy, Lisa?
Gabe: See how the world wide world-wide pandemic and severe and persistent mental illness is exactly the same? So I’m so looking forward to turning 44 in this environment. I can’t
Gabe: Even have a party. Where’s my
Lisa: There’s so much going on there, just so much.
Gabe: I’m calm now.
Lisa: That is a good analogy in that when you were firstly diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder, we all anticipated, OK, you’re going to need to treat this, you’re going to get your treatment under control, and then things will go back to being accurately the nature they only yesterday or
Lisa: A few weeks earlier.
Gabe: That’s what I was waiting on.
Lisa: You’re going to do these lozenges, you’re going to get yourself all adjusted. And in a couple of months, we’re going to be back to where we were before this diagnosis. We will be back to ordinary. And of course, that didn’t happen. And every single brand-new thing that came down the line, we reckoned, all right, this is the one. I imply, yeah, the last thing didn’t work. But this is going to be the one where in a few months we’ll be back to regular. Oh, that second thing didn’t work. Well, the third and we had terminated sect every damn duration. We never once said, you know, the last five times this happened, we did not going to go to regular. We still believed that’s what was going to happen. That is a good analogy in the relevant recommendations of it’s just this ongoing thing and you save thinking that the next step is going to be the one that resolves it. But current realities is things never went back to ordinary. We did that thing where you have a brand-new ordinary. You never did go back to the way that you were before diagnosis.
Gabe: I feel like what you’re saying is that things are just different now.
Lisa: Things are different now. You never did going to go to what it was before. This was a profound change in your life. Nothing was ever the same again. Excellent analogies all around.
Gabe: Don’t forget all of the people coming out of the woodwork to tell you that you’re doing it wrong and they are aware best despite having literally no know or education or formal education whatsoever.
Lisa: Not as good of an resemblance, but not bad. Also true. Yes, it was amazing how many parties sounded up to say, well, you are well aware. Mostly to tell you that mental illness was bullshit. Occasionally to tell you about some management, some random person they are aware did that was miraculous.
Gabe: Certainly, you don’t you don’t see this as similar to the world-wide pandemic, really?
Gabe: There’s been no cares being offered “thats been” supernatural, that turned out to be complete bullshit proffered by anybody? You can’t think of anybody stands at a podium saying, glow sunshine on it, settled bleach on it, hydro cordo quill will fix it? Certainly, you can’t you can’t think of anybody offering bullshit treatments that they required the world to follow that they themselves did not take when they got sick? Really? Nobody? You can’t think of nothing doing that?
Lisa: I feel like
Lisa: I’m talking
Lisa: And you’re interrupting
Lisa: Me, and
Lisa: I’m be very difficult getting
Lisa: My judgments unionized here.
Gabe: Nobody? You can’t think of nothing?
Lisa: And you’re not helping.
Gabe: All liberty. Go on.
Lisa: A plenty of people who were offering advice. Yeah, their admonition was stupid. They had no experience with this. And it was mostly along the lines of mental illness isn’t real, suck it up. But then there was another wave of people that offered suggestion of, OK, mental illness is definitely real. And here’s what my second cousin’s friend’s roommate did and it totally solved it for him. So certainly this is going to be perfect for you as well. A large number of those were just stupid, acupuncture, colloidal silver-tongued, the various vitamins. But even the ones that were actually real, like, he does the following medication regimen. He does the following type of therapy. Those were actually good admonitions sort of in that, hey, that’s something that actually has a chance to work. But not everyone with bipolar disorder is the same. Not every piece of advice is evenly valid for everyone. I don’t see that as being quite as parallel as you do. For instance, other countries have a lot of beliefs about how America should be solving this problem and most of them have solved it. So it’s not exactly the same.
Gabe: There are no perfect analogies, I’m not trying to say that the world-wide pandemic and being diagnosed with a mental illness is exactly the same, that would be incongruous. But the commonalities are there.
Lisa: They are.
Gabe: It’s serious. People die, but too some people get better. You know, that’s often been a criticism of mental health advocacy, right? This Oh, why are we so worried about it? Most people live well. Well, yeah. And then we neglect homeless person. Then we discount really, really sick people that don’t have insurance because everybody exactly retains trotting out Gabe Howard. Look, Gabe is fine. I guess it’s not that serious. I am well aware that some people use my success as a rationale not to help singularly vulnerable people.
Lisa: Yeah, OK, that’s a good analogy, all the people who are like, I get COVID and I’m fine, I never had any manifestations. I’m fine. Yeah, OK, good analogy.
Gabe: I don’t know anybody with COVID do you know anybody with COVID? Geez, that phones a good deal like I don’t know any mentally ill parties. Do you know any mentally challenged parties? Or my personal favorite, you are well aware, the only people who need to worry about this are people who are already sick or who are old. Yeah. Jeez, that seems a great deal like, you know, the only beings that need to worry about mental illness are people who are in harm’s way anyways or come from broken homes or a lot of trauma.
Gabe: One, that’s not true. It’s not only old-time parties or immunocompromised people that are dying of COVID. People have died from COVID that are perfectly fine, then get COVID. And yeah, it didn’t move their method. Merely like there are people who come from great homes. Remember, my mom and dad love me. They’re not alcoholics who beat me every day. They’re perfectly fine people who did the best that they could. Their son just happened to have bipolar disorder. Jeez , “whats happened to” that entire the only people with mental illness are people whose parents beat them or? We tell these things to consolation us.
Lisa: You are really good at analogies, you’re really plucking in a good deal now that I did not see coming, so yay on that. We could talk for eras about COVID and “were having”, as has everyone probably in the world countries. We need to bring this back to your birthday, OK? The blogs always had a thing of your accomplishments. And what you’re telling me is that not a lot going on in your professional life this year because of COVID, but you did there has some placard events.
Gabe: Sure, exactly what we they?
Lisa: You were invited.
Gabe: I launched Not Crazy twice
Lisa: Exactly. And you got a new co-host.
Gabe: I got two new co-hosts. I launched Not Crazy with the great Jackie Zimmerman, and then COVID exactly junked it. And then I got another co-host, the great Lisa Kiner, who didn’t want to do it, but said, penalize. You know, only, that actually describes this year for me. It’s fine. This is what I have. It’s fine. It’s not that things aren’t going well. Lisa, I affection are concerned with you, but let’s be honest, the devotion for the project was lacking. It was fine.
Lisa: At first or now? Because I’m very enthusiastic, seem, listen, I am extending exuberance at this part, Gabe. I am so enthusiastic, but of course nobody is asking me about my attainments, even though it’s actually my birthday, extremely. But that’s OK. I’m not bitter.
Gabe: Lisa, what were your accomplishments this year? Go ahead and divulge things about your personal life that you are eligible to later cut out because you think your mothers are going to hear it and not like it.
Lisa: It’s not just my parents. I really don’t feel like I should share so much on the Internet, so it was clearly a genius project to become a podcaster.
Gabe: I simply want people to know that the reason that I don’t ask Lisa questions is because I do query Lisa questions and she trims them out last-minute because she’s painful sharing.
Lisa: You knew this about me in advance. All those people, all those times who ask you your phone number at the cross-file, there’s no reason for these beings to have my phone number. That is unnecessary.
Gabe: No, I think that this is just indicative of another way that I feel and have felt this year. I’m not trying to affect you. I love you. You’re my bestie.
Lisa: I love you too. Pay attention.
Gabe: But you know damn well that you do this. You know damn well that
Gabe: You’re affect the oh, I can’t get a word in edgewise.
Lisa: I’m not feigning.
Gabe: I want everybody to know Lisa Kiner has no problem sticking up for herself. Remember,
Lisa: Oh, yeah, of course.
Gabe: This is the woman that tricked me into treatment and single handedly beat up bipolar disorder for me. And
Gabe: Now she’s like, oh, I can’t beat Gabe. Really? You can take on the illness in my head, but you can’t beat its host?
Lisa: This is so sweet, these are like such neat things that you’re saying. You’re off topic, though.
Gabe: I’m not off topic. This has been my year.
Gabe: The annual birthday bipolar blog was always about the year.
Gabe: Everything that I’ve said has happened this year. I don’t think you understand how my blogs go.
Lisa: So you don’t have a lot of professional things to tell us about this year, like countless people, you’ve been slowed by COVID. Well, but there’s plenty of things had taken place in your personal life that ought to have excellent this year. Why don’t we concentrates on some of those?
Gabe: Ok, I approximately murdered my wife.
Lisa: COVID has been difficult with the staying at home.
Gabe: I want everybody to know , not literally.
Lisa: Does that actually need to be said?
Gabe: Listen, I don’t want person listening to this and be like, oh, the man with bipolar disorder was almost violent, that moves. Once again, it’s sad that it needs to be said. But, yeah, examination, I adoration my partner very much, but I never intended to spend 24/7 with her. My wife has had to work from residence and on one entrust, I’m very lucky I could be isolated and alone. I have countless single friends that they would be so pleased to be annoyed by a roommate or parents or a spouse. I truly do get wise. The grass is greener on the other side, I mull, humanity, I bid I lived alone right now and my partner feels that way extremely. I’m not telling her anything that she doesn’t know. We’re not hurting each other’s feelings here. We’re just, we’d wield all day and then at the end of the day, we’d come together and we’d share our war legends, we’d show to each other. The narrative of our idiot coworkers are just, those were our favorite world demonstrates. All those proves get canceled.
Lisa: I feel like the majority of members of your coworkers are geniuses, I merely, I don’t know if you are aware of that.
Gabe: You know, in the age of Healthline.com, I’ve gotten some amazing coworkers that really help camouflage the nuisance of the coworker that I had before Healthline. I’m not going to time mentions here, but my previous coworker, she was very difficult. She’s still difficult. But now, because of Psych Central selling to Healthline.com, I now have more coworkers to sort of water the previous annoying coworker down.
Lisa: And we’ll be right back after these messsges.
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Gabe: Hey, everyone, we’re back discussing my birthday.
Lisa: You know , now that I “ve been thinking about” it when I said, listing your professional accomplishments, how come the first thing you said wasn’t, Oh, you and I got on a podcast? How come that wasn’t the very first thing out of your lip? And likewise that have occurred in March.
Gabe: Oh, my God.
Lisa: Oh, my God, we provoked COVID.
Lisa: Not genuinely.
Lisa: Careful. You’re going to get some kind of Internet scheme thought going.
Gabe: Well, that’s not hard these days.
Lisa: Well, the working day that I was on a appointment and the man said to me, hey, did you know that Henry Kissinger started the AIDS virus in a lab? And I judged, wow , no need to date you anymore, but.
Gabe: You know, my favorite part of that fib, though, it was another month before the two of you broke up.
Lisa: He was hot.
Gabe: I’m not faulting you.
Lisa: He was stupid hot. OK, I make, dangerously, this person was so hot, I don’t know why he was so dumb and it wasn’t immediately noticeable how stupid he was. I want, you had to, like, kind of like talk to him a little bit. But to be fair, you didn’t have to talk to him that is something that to get to the Henry Kissinger AIDS thing. God, that chap was red-hot. Anyway, going back.
Gabe: No , no, I want to say only one speedy thing about the bonding of Gabe and Lisa, because the number of stupid beings that I dated because they were crazy hot, it’s just a prodigious number. Because I exactly I truly hate stupid people. And then I match Lisa and we bonded over this mutual hatred of willful innocence and folly. And then both admitted to each other that, gaze, we’ve dated crazy red-hot people who we just did not like. And I think this was a big moment in my learning about feminism, because I thought that women were above that. And you were like, why on earth would you believe that?
Lisa: That dames are above dating sizzling guys?
Gabe: That are stupid.
Gabe: No , no, I knew that ladies liked hot people, I exactly I are of the view that if the man was stupid that wives like you would be like, I’m not date you. You’re dumb.
Lisa: Speaking of birthdays, as I’ve gotten older, I, well, of course , now I’m married, so I guess it’s insignificant. But as I got older, I did that fewer and less. You know, sizzling beings various kinds of a dime a dozen, but people that you are eligible to stand start fucking talking to, much harder to find and more attractive.
Gabe: Another minute in the great Lisa and Gabe courtship
Gabe: Is when I invited Lisa if I was sizzling and she said, Oh my God, intellect is so sexy. I said I imply physically and you’re like, you are well aware, smart. Just the practice that you think is so amazing. I’m like, once again my physical form and she’s like, you know, your personality.
Lisa: So attractive.
Gabe: Oh, the attractivenes that you radiate. I didn’t press it after that, but I’m pretty sure you said I was ugly.
Lisa: I do not remember this conversation
Gabe: Does any of that tone wrong to you?
Lisa: That does sound like something I would say yes,
Gabe: Yeah, yeah.
Lisa: And I maintain smart-alecky is incredibly sexy. Yeah.
Gabe: And you know what else is incredibly sexy?
Lisa: My husband.
Gabe: Sexy. Really, we got to bring Viroj into this?
Lisa: Who is super smart, and hot.
Gabe: You know, he’s going to listen to this episode and he’s like, why? Why did you draw me into this?
Lisa: I time felt like I should.
Gabe: Kendall always “ve been told”, Kendall is my wife, and Kendall is like, why did you drag me into your fight? Like, No, I crave you to keep your codependency delusional podcast bullshit over there. Like, keep it over there. Don’t draw me into this. And to hold it back to my birthday, that’s been the year. She has been narcotic into more things this year because we both act from home and I have been drug into more things. See it used to be when Kendall would get in a fight with a coworker, by the time we got together, it’d be hours old. She had time to think about it, process it, form the narrative, maybe get resolving. That hasn’t happened this year. And it’s made it very difficult. I discover her on the phone and then I saunter downstairs and she starts telling me about it. And I, I sort of feel obligated to listen. Or something bad will happen that I just wanted to rant about, rave about, bitch about whatever utterances you want to use. But rather than it be finely carolled at the end of the working day, Kendall’s watching it in real go. We’re experiencing it together. These things never touched Gabe and Kendall together before. They ever made us separately and then we would use each other as foundation at the end of the working day. I don’t like this.
Lisa: Nobody likes this, we all want to get out of the house, Gabe.
Gabe: I don’t like it.
Lisa: You’re not alone, you’re not special. Everybody
Gabe: I don’t like it
Lisa: Demands out of the house.
Gabe: I want out of the house.
Lisa: I need concerts and live presentation to come back.
Lisa: I’m so bored.
Gabe: Yeah, that’s the second thing. What do we talk about? You know, Kendall and I used to talk about boasting occasions, concerts. We used to go to carnivals. We adoration fairs, the merchants, the neighbourhood creators, local music, regional comedians. Kendall and I enjoyed this. For one, it’s amazing. And two, it’s relatively inexpensive. You know, the arts commemoration in Columbus, Ohio, is free. We would converge all of these regional masters. We’d see this beautiful art and we would go with Lisa and Lisa’s husband.
Lisa: We run every year. I was thwarted when it was canceled this year.
Gabe: The most amazing thing that happens is, Lisa, we have differing savours on prowes, so I would look at this this piece of art and I’d be like, that is incredibly beautiful. And Lisa would be like, that is hideous and ugly. Keep it out of my house and.
Lisa: No, you would say, oh, my God, isn’t this amazing, this is great. I must have this in my house right now. And I’d be like, yeah, it’s all right. It looks like something you’d see in a motel.
Gabe: And then Lisa bought what can best be described.
Lisa: I have amazing taste.
Gabe: As a archaic artillery, it’s made of sword?
Lisa: Oh, yeah, I enjoy carves. I like that.
Gabe: It’s great and heavy. In her old-time condo, it hung above her fireplace. She most recently moved. So we don’t know where this 17 th century medieval weaponry will be, but it’s not. It’s a effigy. It’s a metal figure with, I don’t know, about 60 details. That’s not an exaggeration. It has 60 sharp metal points.
Lisa: It’s a starburst.
Gabe: No, it is the thing that you use to defend the princess when your castling is being stormed.
Lisa: No, it’s just pointy, it’s just a pointy sculpture.
Gabe: You grab a brace of it with both sides, and in Braveheart, they contended off all of the invading gallants. It will impale armor people.
Lisa: It’s beautiful and probably the most expensive thing in my house.
Gabe: It weighs as much as Lisa.
Lisa: It does not. It’s pretty heavy, though, we had to go to a lot of trouble to hang it.
Gabe: It weighs a metric ton, “youre carrying” it with a colt and you joust with it, she likes it because she thinks it’s in Braveheart.
Lisa: No, I like it because it’s beautiful, but of course, the best sculpture is the one I have that looks like a chick and is made out of garden-variety equipment.
Gabe: It looks like a rooster. She named it Warner.
Lisa: Doesn’t look like a rooster, merely looks a lot like a bird.
Gabe: Inspects like a rooster.
Lisa: I do have eclectic embellishing taste.
Gabe: But we didn’t get to do that this year. I never realise, Lisa, how meaningful these objections were. I want to let the audience know they were never like exasperated discrepancies. Lisa doesn’t actually attend how I decorate and I don’t care how Lisa decorates, this is.
Lisa: Overall, your decorating is fine, just really bland.
Gabe: OK, first off, what I want to say, I can’t because this show is PG-1 3, but it starts with an F. It just it starts with an F, lady. My decorating is miraculous. And all from local
Gabe: Oh, I hate you so much better. This stuff is missing. And on all of these escapades, we’ve discovered all of these things that we just didn’t even know existed. I did not know that you could make a bird out of metal garden tools and then paint it, I don’t know, teal, blue-blooded and orange. This thing is ugly.
Lisa: And purple. Teal, blue, and purple.
Lisa: It’s awesome, I desire it, I’ve had it for years, it’s gorgeous.
Gabe: Lisa is right, it is so ugly, it is snapped over into beautiful, it’s like those shocking pups that are now cute. That’s what’s happened here. But we don’t have that. Lisa and I haven’t been able to discuss this at all because we didn’t depart come new material to discuss. It’s the same way with my bride. It’s the same way with your best friend. That’s what I remember about the past year. I used to think that all of these dialogues were wasteful. They were just minutia that you used to fill your epoch. That’s the biggest thing that I’ve learned, that everyone is of these birthing, pointless exchanges are actually the bedrock and the cornerstone and the foundation of your most meaningful relationships. I would pass anything to spend an afternoon discussing what prowes I find beautiful that Lisa hears hideous.
Lisa: You know, this is an excellent point you’re making, it does ever seem like these were random things and who attends? Because you have to fill the opening. But you’re right, it is the stuff of life.
Gabe: It’s not even precisely the stuff of life, it’s not small talk, right? With a stranger. How are you, Gabe? I’m fine. What “are you doin “? Oh, I’ve got some errands to run. Well, what do “youre thinking about” the weather? You don’t talk about how you hate each other’s clothes or artistry or smell or. That’s the kind of conversation that you have with your best friend. That’s the conversation you have with close family. That’s those discussions that you have with your marriage. And we just don’t have a lot of things to discuss right now because.
Lisa: Nothing’s happening.
Gabe: Yeah, because nothing’s happening. And we’ve tended toward things that frankly are not good conversation starters. You know, we expended more time complaining about politics. And listen, I considered that political discourse and political discussion is extremely valuable. Disagreement does not equal rudenes. And knowing what’s going on in the world countries is I feel its own responsibilities of every American. But you’ve got to have a balance to that. For every 20 minutes that you deplete complaining about the government, you should spend an hour discussing something that’s beautiful. You’ve got to have the remaining balance. And unfortunately, politics didn’t slow down one iota. Everything else did. The bar offset has been disturbingly missing. All we can do is complain about what we’ve lost. And nobody is spending any time on anything that’s beautiful because there’s just not enough. You know, I joked, Lisa introduced to Gabe and Kendall the show Schitt’s Creek. We’d never watched it. We “d no idea” it existed.
Lisa: My husband learnt it randomly.
Gabe: Yeah, I’m serious when I say this, Schitt’s Creek saved my wedlock. I’m not kidding. My wife and I binge watched all six seasons and my wife and I time enjoy it. And it was new. And because Lisa encountered it recently, that allowed us to discuss it, you know. What do “youre thinking about” this escapade? Well, I participated it this way. Well, I didn’t see it that way. And once again, for this brief, like six-week period, this minutia was back.
Lisa: Well, this is why the whole world stopped for Tiger King, because we were all in the perfect position to need something to talk about.
Gabe: Yes, yes, and if I learned anything this year, it’s that all of these little things that I take for awarded. Well, that was a wasted day. I didn’t accomplish anything. It is about to change that no, what I accomplished was actually astonishing. I do have trouble associate with parties. I foresee the average person doesn’t understand me at all. And I often feel alone, even in a horde of beings. I feel alone and I question my cost to culture or the person or persons around me. I question whether or not I’m doing better now. And there’s so many factors of. You have a podcast and you put your story out in the world countries. Some people think that that’s brave. Other people think that that’s pretentiou. Some beings think that you’re helping further a discussion about mental illness. Other beings think that you’re bragging and oh, you think you’re so important that people want to hear your stupid life? What’s wrong with you? I’m constantly besieged with this and I gravitate toward the negative.
LISA: You do. You do.
Gabe: If 100 beings tell me they adore me and one person tells me they hate me, I will follow the guy who hates me around and try to figure out why.
Lisa: You will. It’s really disturbing.
Gabe: It is. It’s depressing and the problem is, is that this past year, the 100 beings have been gone because they’re taking care of themselves, they’re taking care of their families. They’re all trying to survive, just like all of us. Now, there’s just this constant negativity and nobody’s reasoning about who’s artwork is bland, whose artwork is medieval weaponry.
Lisa: It’s beautiful, I’m telling you.
Gabe: And it is capable of be.
Lisa: Viroj likes it.
Gabe: Ok, well, that doesn’t help. Viroj is the most boring person we know. Your defense that it’s not bland.
Lisa: Again, Gabe, boring lovers hold down activities, and that’s super sexy.
Gabe: You say standing, I say stability. I just
Lisa: To is equitable, Viroj, you’re right, does not, in fact, have good taste. But we both like it. That’s the point.
Gabe: I adoration the sense monster in your bedroom.
Lisa: Viroj spotted it, yeah, the delightful division is we paid like three dollars for the picture and then exhaust substantially more to get it framed.
Gabe: You overpaid for the picture. You know, all of these articles, they all end with something that I’ve learned. Some room that I feel that I have derived in the past year, something to take away. And even sometimes that take away is not very flattering to me.
Lisa: Of the seven, five of them are negative.
Gabe: But they’re productive. Productive disapproval for honey old-time Gabe. A hard look at my life, what I wish that I could recollect, readings that I chose I’d learned, the lesson that I’ve learned is that no time spent with your best friend is wasted.
Lisa: Ok, that’s a good one.
Gabe: No time spent with your loved ones is consumed. We’re all be standing trying to evaluate whether or not the time was efficient or good or well spent. It is. It time is. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of members of seasons that I gratify you for lunch. And we’d sit there and talk for two hours, typically over tortilla chippings and salsa. And I make, oh, well, that was two hours. I’ll never get back. You know what a garbage, right? Like.
Lisa: Thanks a lot.
Gabe: I don’t mean it mean, I merely I would think of all of my honey do listing, all of the works, all the stuff that I had to do for work. And I was like, oh, I precisely wasted like two or three hours in the middle of the day. And then all the restaurants closed,
Gabe: Remember? And they were closed now for like ten weeks.
Lisa: That was a real problem for Gabe, that was the thing he genuinely missed the most.
Gabe: All of a sudden, I was like, “thats really not” wasted era, you are well aware, showing to my friend, listening to my friend, exchanging ideas with your best friend, just sitting there drinking a Diet Coke and chewing chips and salsa with your best friend. It turns out that it had an extreme amount of value that was only noticeable previously it was gone.
Gabe: It kind of reminds me of that coworker that everybody thinks is lazy until the coworker goes on vacation.
Lisa: Gee, has that ever happened to you, Gabe?
Gabe: No, I never once thought you were lazy, I thought you were irresponsible.
Lisa: Thank you. I reckon. That’s a little backhanded, but anyway.
Gabe: It should be a lot backhanded, I’m sad that you didn’t pick up on that.
Lisa: The other theme that runs through all of your birthday blogs is this idea that your life did not turn out the space that you expected. One of them actually says 20 -year-old Gabe would look at me and be ashamed.
Gabe: I don’t know what 20 -year-old Gabe is going to think of 44 -year-old Gabe. It is an interesting thing, 20 -year-old Gabe have indeed high expectations. Twenty-year-old Gabe did not is looking forward to twice divorced. Twenty-year-old Gabe did not expect to have all of these mistakes and miss. 20 -year-old Gabe fully expected to have six children and stay in the same job and truly exactly garner respect from people. I think that 20 -year-old Gabe would be most disappointed in the fact that I’m so easily dismissed. 20 -year-old Gabe gave a lot of value on stability and commanding respect. While I feel that I have integrity, I don’t feel like I dominate respect. I’m so easily rejected. I’m so easily rejected. I sit on so many panels where, well, we should probably get the patient’s voice, I guess.
Lisa: A quantity of tokenism.
Gabe: I don’t think that 20 -year-old Gabe ever thought that Gabe was going to be the clue chap in the room? You know, I don’t think I would have known what tokenism was. It’s very probable that I would have sat on these cards and commanded a lot of respect and talk about all the good that I was doing and have been completely unaware that I was marginalizing parties because I would have recognized things so much from my perspective. I’d like to think that I would have been open to listening. But, you are well aware, 20 -year-old Gabe had reasonably high expectations and was awfully arrogant. I don’t want to depict myself as a bad chap. I don’t want to depict myself as somebody who was unkind or uncaring. But there was a lot that I didn’t understand. And being in this position has really allowed me to see the plight of marginalized people, because in some ways I’m a marginalized party. I do considered that realise the world for what it is has price. But, you are well aware, foolishnes is bliss. I don’t know. Is the truth better or is respect better?
Lisa: The truth is always better. That’s why you take the blood-red lozenge. The truth is always better.
Gabe: I sometimes I bid I could take the blue pill, Lisa.
Lisa: The actuality is better. Truth has its own intrinsic cost, there’s no need to debate this.
Gabe: The truth does have its own intrinsic appraise, but in The Matrix where the blue pill red capsule comes from, there was the person that sold out all of his friends to be put back in The Matrix and really live happily ever after because he only couldn’t take it anymore. Now, that person was evil and he was wrong and he was a murderer. But if we’re arguing the philosophical basis of, appear, I was going to live happily ever after. I don’t know. It’s one of the things that induces the movie interesting for me. And while I’m so glad that they never made any more, I represent, the single standalone movie was certainly enough.
Lisa: I cherished The Matrix, it was so spoilt by the following movies, so ruined.
Gabe: What following? There was no following. I took the blue pills.
Gabe: I understand that truth has its own intrinsic appraise and I am lowered to agree with you. And I’d like to believe that I’ve done a lot of good. But you and I both know that in most of the roundabouts I run in, parties don’t give people like me the ascribe for that good.
Lisa: You’re talking about how 20 -year-old Gabe would feel about this, et cetera, what 20 -year-old Gabe expected, but everybody always acts like there’s a hour before diagnosis that you didn’t have bipolar disorder. You had bipolar; you just weren’t diagnosed. You was ever mentally healthy. You ever had bipolar disorder. You really were untreated. So, 20 time old-time Gabe didn’t know he had bipolar, but he did. And he did not expect that to ever reform. He did not expect those evidences to ever be done away with. He expected to always have that same internal nation of the fluctuate mania and sadnes, the suicidality, the racing envisages. None of that could have been pleasant. And twenty-year-old Gabe expected that to continue for the rest of his life because he thought that was normal and time the mode humans are. So, when you say that twenty year age-old Gabe would be disappointed in the outcome now or he expected the following things that he didn’t get, well, yeah, but look at this amazing thing he got that he didn’t even know was out there. I know you’re astounded. A profound pitch. I know.
Lisa: You got to admit that you are more pleasant now in your own brain and you’re certainly happier because you’re no longer suicidal. So there “theres going”. Twenty-year-old Gabe thought he will be retained suicidal for the rest of his life. I don’t see how that’s not a major, major increase. He did not know that this grade of wellness existed that you have achieved. You can’t tell me this isn’t better than when you were constantly thinking about suicide. And twenty-year-old Gabe didn’t even know that that was a possibility. Maybe you are imagining professional success, a large family, lots of children. But that they are able to ever ought to have overlaid with the hastening thoughts and the wanting to die.
Gabe: I can’t indicate with your logic, but I think you have to understand that 20 -year-old Gabe was actually pretty a jackass.
Lisa: I know.
Gabe: You know, he was chilled, but he was also psychotic and pompou. And I merely I reflect maybe I simply don’t want to go far an reason with him.
Lisa: You always use your birthday as a time to look back and in one of your blogs, you write the ghost of bipolar past triumph. You use this time to look back and say, oh, I didn’t do this, I didn’t do that. I’m so sad. I wanted this. I didn’t get that. Why? Why is that the thing that you do? Why is it not the looking back on wow, I never knew that you could just sit on your couch and not “ve been thinking about” dying. That is so awesome. How come that’s never your thought process?
Gabe: I’m bleak by nature. It’s a fair question and it’s a acceptable question, and it’s one of the reasons that I ever like to write these blogs all by myself and not involve you, because I don’t like to be challenged on my stupid remembers. It’s hard to get out of the attire, right. I’m sincere when I say that I am better off today than I have been probably at any other point in “peoples lives”. And I do recognise that logically, intellectually, I know that to be the case, but I don’t feel it.
Lisa: I can’t dismiss that, yeah, your feelings substance much more than logic sometimes. Your feelings are your reality. So, I don’t want to dismiss that outright. But you do see it, right? You do see.
Gabe: Oh, I can. There has never been a problem seeing it. It’s always been a feeling.
Lisa: Well, this is what CBT is for, you actually need to change your own internal thought processes and feelings.
Gabe: Seriously, are you telling me to go to therapy? Are you like, hey, Gabe, thanks for doing a birthday podcast, by the way, you should go to therapy? Like I never thought of that before. I’m going to time lose weight. I’m going to exert more. I’m going to give forgiveness that I’ve been disavowing. I’m going to go skydiving, Rocky Mountain climbing, going to do something with a bull.
Lisa: I hate that song. I would not need to do all of that if I found out that I was terminally ill because I’m already a good person. I don’t need to get sick to suddenly recognize I have poor mores. Also, why wasn’t he doing all this nonsense before? I led skydiving. Why do you have to wait to find out you’re dying to go skydiving?
Gabe: I think it’s really time maybe an example of we applied things off.
Lisa: You know how I live, like, completely not for the future ever? Boom, turns out I’m a genius.
Gabe: Yeah, yeah, when you can’t spend your mortgage, everybody agrees.
Lisa: Well, I have to admit, I do not have a fully funded retirement account, but my electronics are awesome.
Gabe: See, you always say that, but I have a fully funded retirement account and my electronics are all better than yours.
Lisa: Eh, concern of opinion. Also, that’s another thing I’ve really missed for the pandemic is traveling.
Gabe: Yeah, experience, that’s what you should have gone with. You have shitty electronics, but, oh my God, you have so many stomps in your passport.
Lisa: Yeah, yeah, I will go with that.
Gabe: No, you can’t retroactively change it.
Lisa: Why not? Of trend I can, I’m the editor.
Lisa: You’re always talking about how you’ve disappointed the expectations of 20-year-old Gabe, well, 20 -year olds are all nitwits. What about the expectations of 30-year-old Gabe or thirty-five-year-old Gabe or 40 year old-fashioned Gabe? Have you met those anticipations?
Gabe: I think that’s an improbably valued question, because 30 -year-old Gabe was starting into recovery with bipolar disorder and thinking about stuff like buying a house, starting a business, coming a errand, you know, just really reaching stability. But then, of course, we got divorced. And that was kind of a jolt to my pride a little bit because I didn’t want to be divorced again. But then again, even through our divorce, I wanted to be in a stable rapport and I perfectly achieved this. It’s not a coincidence. Kendall and I have been together for eight years. We celebrated eight years of marriage during a world pandemic. So, I feel this one is going to stick. So, yes, I think that 30 -year-old, 35 -year-old Gabe is very likely be pretty damn proud of me.
Lisa: Oh, that’s wonderful.
Gabe: You know, he understood bipolar illness. He didn’t know if I could make it. He’s maintain the heavines off. You know,
Lisa: Yeah, that’s a good point.
Gabe: Remember, 30 -year-old Gabe was like, OK, well, you’ve got all the weight off. But, you know, there was always this big asterisk, like, look, everybody else we know that got this surgery, they gained all the weight back, dude. I never gained the weight back. I’m coming up on, what, year 17? And I’ve still hindered the load off. I bought the house. Hell, I, I even got the Lexus. I
Gabe: Remember, you are well aware, that was twenty-five-year-old Gabe that wrote that Lexus on the board. And I got it, I got the Rolex. I got the stable affinity, I pretty much got everything but children which you know, numerous people who want girls don’t have kids. That’s not really outside of the norm.
Lisa: The dog is already fairly additional burdens to Aunt Lisa.
Gabe: That’s very true, but, yes, I think that’s a nice reframe, Lisa. I adoration reframing.
Lisa: Love the reframing.
Gabe: As you know. I don’t know why my birthday gets me. I think it’s because I feel that I’m chronically behind and I’m running out of go. I feel that I’ve lost so much time that I’ll never get onto back. I feel like I ever have more to do. And I’m not getting closer. I feel like I should therefore be further along, that I should have done more. And some of that is comparing myself to others. I, I.
Lisa: Well, let’s talk about reframing, you obstruct saying, oh, flop, outage, omission, unhappiness, what the hell is it take for happiness? What would you need to have happen? You prevent saying, oh, I haven’t met my goals. You know, you don’t actually have any clearly defined goals.
Gabe: That’s not true.
Lisa: Maybe that’s why you’re not meeting them.
Gabe: My goal is to be happy.
Gabe: My goal is to, OK, you are willing?
Lisa: I’m ready.
Gabe: Here it is.
Lisa: This is very, I’m writing this down.
Gabe: Step one,
Gabe: Underpants. Step two. Step three, benefit, I have learned from the underpants gnomes.
Gabe: Lisa, thank you. Thank you sincerely for hanging out with me on my birthday. It’s a cool thing to do. It is very, very cool that we are only five days apart. So, I want to extend a heartfelt and heated happy birthday to you.
Lisa: Thank you, Gabe. Happy birthday.
Gabe: You know, Lisa, what you should have said is that five days is where all the wisdom is kept. You know, you never remember your quote.
Lisa: You’re better at that.
Gabe: Lady and gentlemen, thank you for coming in for listening in. My name is Gabe Howard and I am the legion of the Not Crazy podcast. And I’m the author of Mental Illness Is an Asshole, which you can get on Amazon.com. But if you thoughts over to gabehoward.com, I will sign it. It will be cheaper and I’ll include a cluster of support swag. You miss Not Crazy podcast stickers absolutely free? This is the way. Just head over to gabehoward.com. If you affection the reveal, please agree. Likewise use your words and tell other beings why they are able to listen.
Lisa: Don’t forget the outtake after the approvals, and we’ll see you next Tuesday.
Announcer: You’ve been listening to the Not Crazy Podcast from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, tour PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/ NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. Want to see Gabe and me in person? Not Crazy passages well. Have us record an escapade live at your next occurrence. E-mail show @psychcentral. com for details.
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